


oh my god, they were roommates

by somanyopentabs



Category: Batman - All Media Types, The LEGO Batman Movie
Genre: Angst, Attempt at Humor, Crack Treated Seriously, M/M, Slow Build, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-16
Updated: 2017-03-05
Packaged: 2018-09-24 21:09:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9787124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/somanyopentabs/pseuds/somanyopentabs
Summary: Even after the events of the movie, Batman can't have changed all that much. Feelings? Still aren't easy.Title from the iconic vine.





	1. Chapter 1

So! A lot of things had changed for Batman since the whole saving the city thing AGAIN. There was, of course, Robin, his number one sidekick and adopted son. And his totally platonic workmates thing with Barbara. And the grandfather-father-son picnics with Alfred and the aforementioned adopted son.

These were all well and good. They did kind of mess up his image of being a brooding, hardened loner with NO FEELINGS AT ALL, but what could he say? Watching Must Love Dogs on his own had become a drag. He was allowed to change and still be the world’s coolest, most awesome and handsome eligible bachelor/hero.

But the worst thing? The absolute worst, most annoying thing to have interrupted his previous life of solo badassery? The Joker had been texting him NON-STOP.

And he wasn’t texting HIM, exactly. Oh, no. Because Batman’s number was unlisted! So there!

But somehow that green-haired, pointy-toothed little menace had gotten his hands on Bruce Wayne’s PRIVATE number.

_I know you’re roommates. Please tell Batman to call me back!_

_It’s the Joker! Remind him about the time we held hands and declared our feelings to each other._

_Did Batman get the flowers and bombs I sent? Did he like them?_

AND SO ON.

It was enough to drive him mad. No amount of ignoring the texts or blocking the Joker’s number seemed to work, either. The texts continued for weeks on end, until Batman had finally had enough.

He found the Joker in his ‘secret hideout,’ (he had texted the location to Bruce Wayne no fewer than four times over the last week) and dragged him, kicking and screaming, all the way to Arkham.

Well, kicking, screaming, and maybe some flirting? No, not flirting. Was it flirting? He tried not to think about it.

“Stop texting Bruno,” Batman snarled at him, once the Joker was behind glass.

“Who?”

“Bruce Wayne!”

“Oh, him! Did he give you my number?” The Joker asked, hopefully.

“Why would he do that? Why do you keep texting?”

The Joker pouted. “I thought...I thought things would be different now. Now that, you know…”

“What?”

“Now that you’ve admitted how you feel about me.”

Batman thought back. He seemed to remember some mutually agreed upon hatred, but he didn’t see how that should make them texting buddies.

“Well, I did say I hated you.”

The Joker put his hands over his mouth and squealed excitedly. “I know, I know!”

“I still don’t want to text you.”

The man in the cell began to look teary-eyed at his words. Why did he keep doing that? Didn’t he know there wasn’t anything sadder than the tears of a clown?

“I agreed to fight you,” Batman continued. “That’s it.”

“Fine, I get it,” the Joker said, voice sounding watery. “So nothing really has changed?”

Why was Batman starting to feel guilty? Let in a few stray emotions, and suddenly they’re all there, making him, you know, FEEL THINGS.

Batman crossed his arms and glared at his prisoner. “I think I’m done here.”

He turned to leave, his cape swishing behind him in a really amazing and dramatic way. He was too awesome to look behind and witness the destroyed look on the Joker’s face. At least, that’s what he told himself.


	2. Chapter 2

The Joker was anything but subtle, which was why, the very day he escaped from Arkham, he was found camped outside Bruce Wayne’s island mansion with a megaphone. 

“PAY ATTENTION TO ME,” his voice boomed, waking Batman from his sleep at the much-too-early hour of one in the afternoon.

Batman groaned, pulling the blankets further over his face and cowl.

“I HAVE A BOMB,” the Joker continued, followed by a deafening laugh.

“Who does he think he is?” Batman complained, finally rising from his bed and heading down to the Batcave. 

“Planning on doing something about your visitor?” Alfred asked as he made his way to the main computer.

“Why can’t he annoy me at a reasonable time of day?" Batman said, rubbing at his eyes.

“Yes, the obvious crime here is waking you from your beauty sleep,” Alfred said, with an eye roll that Batman chose to ignore.

“Computer,” Batman said, “Get me cameras on the Joker.”

“Here you are,” the computer responded, as the megaphone-wielding maniac appeared on the screen.

“I’M GETTING BORED,” the Joker was saying. “YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I GET BORED. THINGS TEND TO EXPLODE.”

“Ugh. Gross. I haven’t even had coffee yet.” Why did he have a butler who served eye rolls and sarcasm instead of espresso?

“YUP. REALLY BORED HERE. I WON’T WAIT AROUND MUCH LONGER.”

Batman sighed. He grabbed his gear and hopped into the Batmobile. Technically he only had to drive to the front of the house, but what kind of entrance would he make if he just walked over to the Joker? An emphatically non-epic one, that’s what. Heroes didn’t take leisurely strolls to save the day.

He revved the engine and sped out of the cave. Putting on his most badass music, he stopped in front of the Joker, speakers blaring. Two could play at making the other’s eardrums shatter.

“You’re here!” the Joker shouted, tossing his megaphone in his excitement.

Batman jumped out of the vehicle and grabbed the Joker by his collar.

“Where’s the bomb,” he demanded, in his most no-nonsense tone of voice.

“Bomb?” The Joker swallowed, putting his hands up. He smiled. “Oh, right. Well, that’s for me to know, and for you to find out. Or, you know, go KABOOM! Instead.”

“I’m not playing around, Joker. You’ve already cut into my precious ab-strengthening workout time. ‘Fess up, or you won’t like what I’m about to do next.”

“I could tell you, but now you’ve got me curious.”

Batman yanked his grip harder, forcing the Joker onto his tiptoes.

“Do you want to go back to Arkham?” he threatened.

“You’ll take me there anyway.”

The Joker had a point. Batman was beginning to lose patience.

“Tell me your plan. You always tell me your plan,” he said.

“Not this time.”

“What?” Batman couldn’t believe it. How was he supposed to stop him if the Joker didn’t explain every aspect of his plan in perfect detail? Unfair.

“Maybe you haven’t changed, but I have. I know better now! I’ll never tell you that I hid the bomb under Bruce Wayne’s front porch, set to go off in twelve minutes and destroy some really neat architecture.”

The Joker gasped and clapped his hands over his mouth.

“Wait, let me start over,” he whined.

“Too late,” Batman grinned. Tying him up with his trusty rope, he went to defuse the bomb. Peering under the porch, he discovered it was a classic. Vintage. Niiiiice. Perfect to start rebuilding his collection.

The Joker was still struggling against the rope when he returned.

“There’s no use,” he said, triumphantly. “No one has fought against that rope and won.”

He picked up the squirming bundle of unhappy villain and went to toss him in the trunk of the Batmobile.

“Aw, c’mon,” the Joker said, seeing where this was heading. “At least let me ride up front with you.”

“Nope. Passenger seats are for sidekicks.”

“In the back, then?” He was doing that thing again. The thing where he just looked. SO. SAD. 

His lower lip jutted out in a grade A pout. If there had been a pouting contest, he would have won first place, or at least a close second.

“All right. But I pick the music on the way to Arkham,” Batman conceded.


	3. Chapter 3

That trouble-making, good-for-nothing, unstylish, lousy little nuisance! This time he had gone TOO FAR! Oh, when he finally caught him--he’d--he’d...tie him up with his own ridiculous coattails, that’s what! 

“You’re really going to do that?” Robin asked, wide-eyed.

“What?” Batman looked over at his sidekick/glaringly dressed son.

“Um, Bat-dad? You just said all that out loud,” Robin said.

“No I didn’t!” Batman was sure he’d been INNER monologuing! He’d never stoop to monologuing out loud like some sort of villain. Like Superman, probably. Yeah. Superman was the worst! 

“Why do you hate Superman so much, Bat-dad?”

Gosh darn it! AGAIN, that was part of his INNER thoughts. Not that he wouldn’t say it to Superman’s smug face if he had the chance.

“Never mind all that,” he said, awkwardly patting his son on the head. Wait--awkwardly? He meant awesomely, of course. Everything he did was awesome. Obviously.

“We’ve got to stop the Joker. To the Batmobile!”

“Yay!” Robin did a few flips and jumped into the car, buckling his seatbelt. Batman felt a swell of pride in his muscled chest. He was...just such a good dad. Keeping Robin from hitting the windshield. He was just...SO GREAT.

The Joker and his villainous cohorts were in the center of town, surrounding a bomb, to which was strapped all of Batman’s most favorite dvds. He had been working on that collection for years. Some of them were Blu-ray. Oh, the Joker had messed with the wrong man’s dvds.

“You’re a little late to the party!” The Joker laughed, holding a detonator that would surely blow all of Batman’s most prized movies sky high.

“This is low, even for you,” Batman growled. “Come on, Robin. Let’s save my stuff!”

“Yeah!”

The Joker smirked. “You think you can save your precious possessions?”

“I know I can. And when I’m done, I’ll tie you up with your own neck-tie and send you back to Arkham where you belong. And THIS time, I’ll make sure your yoga privileges are revoked!”

The Joker gasped. “No! You wouldn’t!”

“YES. I. WOULD.”

The Joker’s eyes widened in fear. “Get him, gang!”

Batman and Robin got into a fighting stance as the barrage of villains turned their attentions on the two of them.

Man, kicking rogues in the face was a great workout. He could feel all nine of his abs getting stronger and stronger. His power levels were over 9000! But Batman couldn’t enjoy himself too much. His dvds were not yet safe.

Batman launched himself at the clown and wrested the detonator from his grabby little hands. He landed a punch to his disappointed face.

“Ow!” The Joker complained. “Was that really necessary?”

“Yes, it--Gah! Now I have your makeup all over my fist.” He looked at his once-black glove with dismay before grabbing the Joker and pulling him forward by that oh-so-hated, garish green tie.

“I’ll be sending you my dry cleaning bill!”

“Oh, I’ll be counting on it,” the Joker replied with an eyebrow wiggle that was COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE for the situation. He didn’t take his outfit lightly!

“I hope you have fun being limited to pilates and spinning classes,” Batman said with a sneer.

“That’s--that’s sub-par!”

“You should have thought of that before threatening Jerry Maguire.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Taking away yoga is a cruel and unusual punishment.


	4. Chapter 4

Batman was standing on a rooftop, surveying his city, when who should land right beside him? He’ll give you a hint: he comes from the planet Krypton where he should TOTALLY RETURN TO because Earth has plenty of it’s own heroes, thankyouverymuch.

“What are you doing here?” Batman demanded.

“We need to talk.”

“Oh? Are you sure you didn’t come here to throw down? Because I’m ready. I’m always ready!”

“Um, no?”

Superman was CLEARLY afraid of his superior fighting skills and strength. Superman only had eight abs, after all. The very thought of how weak Superman really was made him laugh. HAHAHA!

“Listen,” Superman said. “Normally I don’t bother with such low level villains, but I think you ought to see this.”

He pulled out a phone and handed it over.

“An iPhone 6?” Batman said. “Ew. I refuse to touch anything lower than an iPhone 10. That’s right, they upgraded me to an iPhone that hasn’t even been invented yet. Jealous?”

“Just read the text!”

“Fine. It says “Superman, stay away from my man. If I catch you making eyes at him again, I’ll fill the Fortress of Solitude with glitter bombs. You’ll never be able to remove it all from your carpet! --The Joker.”

“Well?” Superman prompted him.

Batman shrugged. “I guess you should stop making eyes at his man and find your own. You know, if the Earth dating scene isn’t working out for you, maybe you should try somewhere else. Like outer space.”

“He means YOU,” Superman said through gritted teeth.

“Me? Noooooo. No. No no no. We’re not. I’m not. He’s just--no.” Batman shook his head.

“You need to deal with your villains,” Superman insisted.

“He’s not MY villain!”

“Well, he’s certainly not mine.”

"He texted YOU."

"He lives in YOUR city."

Batman sighed. “All right, all right. If he’s too powerful for you, then I guess I can be persuaded to deal with him. You’re welcome.”

“But--that’s not--”

“Say no more,” Batman brushed him off with a wave of his hand. “But don’t expect me to keep saving you every time.”

“But I don’t need--”

“Shush. The pride of knowing that I could come to your rescue is thanks enough.”

“Batman,” Superman said sternly. "I didn't--"

“Oh, and for the next Justice League party? Make sure you get Doritos.”

“You’re impossible,” Superman replied before bolting straight up into the sky.

“Cool Ranch flavor!” Batman shouted after him.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time for some real interaction. Yeah.

Was there no roof in Gotham City where Batman could stand and brood IN PEACE? All he wanted was a little time to himself, now that he was an A+ parent. Sometimes he couldn’t believe how good he was at parenting! He totally knew where his adopted son was at that moment. With Alfred, probably. Or with Barbara. Or maybe visiting the orphanage. The point was!! He totally knew his general whereabouts, and he would likely see him around dinnertime. Ah, well. Robin could take care of himself. He didn’t need Batman to be a helicopter parent. Or did he? Maybe he should get Robin his own helicopter...

Getting back to the present, where his thoughts had been so RUDELY interrupted: 

“What are you DOING here?” Batman said as he watched the Joker struggle to climb the side of the building to reach the top of the roof. Was that--was that BUBBLEGUM on his shoes?

“You looked lonely?” The Joker grinned with his mouthful of pointy teeth. Why were they so shiny and mesmerizing?

Batman frowned. The Joker was still struggling to pull himself all the way up. Sighing, Batman held out a hand and pulled.

“That’s--uh. That’s some GRIP you’ve got there,” the Joker wheezed, catching his breath.

“Why would you even attempt that? What do you have planned?” 

“Why so suspicious? Does it look like I have anything on me? You can pat me down for weapons, if you want.” The Joker waggled his eyebrows.

“You could have done something before you came up here.” Batman looked off into the distance. There was no hint of the Bat Signal in the sky. He couldn’t hear any screams. The city seemed safe--for now.

“Would you believe me if I said that all I wanted was the displeasure of your company?”

“No.”

“Wow. Harsh.” The Joker shrugged. He looked over the edge of the building. “You come here often?”

“Yeah, to be ALONE.” Batman crossed his arms. He could easily use his grappling hook to swing over to another building, but gosh darn it, he was here first! He shouldn’t have to move because the Joker was a party crasher.

“You haven’t come to visit me in Arkham for a while.”

“It’s been TWO DAYS.”

The Joker put his hands behind his back. “Seemed longer.”

“HEY!”

“Ah! What?!?” The Joker squealed, startled.

“Keep your hands where I can see them.”

The Joker rolled his eyes but put his hands in front of him anyway. “I TOLD you, I don’t have anything.”

“Turn out your pockets, then.”

The Joker emptied them, piling a rubber chicken, 3 packs of Bubblicious Bubblegum, a series of colorful handkerchiefs, some playing cards, comical oversized glasses, and a water gun at Batman’s feet.

“What do you call that?” Batman asked, pointing to the water gun.

“What, afraid you’ll melt with a little water?”

Batman picked it up and tested it. Sure enough, it only sprayed water. Neat.

“You can’t blame me for not trusting it. And I’m still confiscating this. For reasons.”

“So,” the Joker said, looking at the ground. “Did you miss me?”

What kind of roof did the Joker think this was? A roof of feelings?

Batman avoided the question by spraying the Joker with his own water gun.

“My makeup!” He shouted. He grabbed a handkerchief and began patting himself dry. “That was mean.”

Batman smirked. Maybe this wasn’t so bad. He’d give the Joker a few more moments of freedom before arresting him.

Suddenly, the wind picked up. It blew the Joker’s green hair into his face. He shivered from the chill in the air.

“Cold?” Batman asked.

“Why, going to offer me your cape to wear?” 

Oddly enough, the Joker sounded both hopeful and mocking.

“No, but I’m sure there’s a nice warm cell in Arkham with your name on it.”

The Joker whined. “But I just got OUT.”

His pointy teeth chattered as he wrapped his arms around himself. He was clearly uncomfortable.

“So, why did you REALLY come up here?” Batman asked, curious.

“Not to be frozen to death, that’s what. I’m afraid we’ll have to finish this conversation at a later date.” He turned and jumped from the building.

“Joker, wait!” Batman rushed over to the side to see the Joker fall into a large trampoline. Honestly, it figured.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Batman: GTFO my building  
> Joker: (jumping) as youuuu wiiiiiiiiish


	6. Chapter 6

There was only so much epicness and badassery that one man could have before it all fell apart.

Good thing he was no ordinary man! He was BATMAN.

He was the protector of Gotham.

He was incredibly handsome.

He was the night!

And, at the moment, he was also REALLY, REALLY ANNOYED. How could the Joker interrupt movie night like this? They’d had an agreement. No shenanigans on Fridays!

“I’ve had it with your tricks, Joker!” he shouted down the tunnel where his nuisance of a nemesis had run just a minute prior.

“You’ve barely even begun to see what I have in store!” The Joker shouted back, his voice echoing against the tunnel walls.

“Oooh, let me guess. More bombs?”

Silence fell for a few minutes. Just as Batman was beginning to think he should head back to the mansion instead of indulging the clown’s wild goose chase, he heard the response.

“N-no!” The Joker’s voice wavered from his hiding spot.

“Oh, yeah? So what have you got planned this time?”

“Um. Rob a bank?”

“Psssh. Seen it.”

“I’ll kidnap someone, then!”

“Yawn.”

“I’ll suspend some civilians in a cage over a shark tank. While playing polka music. And simultaneously releasing all the emus from the zoo.”

“I’m bored already. Face it, Joker. You haven’t had a new idea in years.”

The Joker peeked out of the shadows. Even from a distance, Batman could see the unhappy downward turn of his lips.

“Are you saying our relationship is stale?”

“Oh, yeah. Big time.” Batman smirked.

“So, you’re telling me--I should spice things up?”

“Or you should surprise me by actually STAYING ARRESTED when I capture you, for once!” Batman said. It was worth a try. Besides, he really wanted to get back to movie night. Babs and Robin would eat all the popcorn!

“Fine,” the Joker sniffed. “Take me in.” 

He walked down the tunnel and held out his hands.

“I didn’t, uh, actually bring any handcuffs with me,” Batman admitted.

“What? Not even rope?”

“Listen, you broke the rules! It’s Friday! You didn’t give me a chance to prepare my utility belt.”

“Hmmm,” the Joker said. He looked disappointed. Batman didn’t care about that. Nope, he didn’t care. Not at all. Out, out damn feelings! Out!

“So,” the Joker said. “What DO you have in there?” He pointed to the pockets of the utility belt.

“None of your business.”

“Aw, come on! Just a peek, and then I promise I’ll go willingly.” The Joker did his best impression of puppy dog eyes. Why did he have to be so dramatic? Why? It wasn’t working on him. Nope. Not working. He was the night. He was the night. He was THE NIGHT.

“Pleeeeeease?” the Joker clasped his hands together and begged.

“Fine!” Batman said grumpily. “One look. That’s it.”

He began to empty his pockets.

“Ooooh!” the Joker squealed in delight as he rifled through the contents. “Batarang, double-sided tape, rap lyrics? Did you write these yourself?”

“Give me those,” Batman said, snatching the paper out of the clown’s greedy little hands. “It’s not finished yet.”

“But I--”

“Nope,” Batman said firmly. He began taping the Joker’s wrists together with the tape. He’d forgotten he’d had that in there.

“I didn’t really get a GOOD look, now did I?” the Joker complained.

“You’re lucky you got what you did. Now move it. Batmobile’s that way.” 

He gave him a small shove, and his enemy stuttered forward.


End file.
